Shame Is Not a Part of You: It’s Shrapnel

As a therapist, I often talk about how all of our feelings serve a purpose. Emotions like sadness, anger, fear, and joy are part of the human experience. They belong to us. Even anxiety and depression — though painful — can be understood as “parts” of us that are trying, in their own ways, to protect or communicate something important.

But shame is different.

Shame doesn’t come from within us; it’s something that gets into us. I like to think of shame as shrapnel — something that doesn’t belong, but has become lodged inside us through painful experiences.

Maybe it came from harsh criticism, rejection, or trauma. Maybe it was the quiet message you received growing up that you were “too much,” “not enough,” or that certain parts of who you are weren’t acceptable. Over time, these messages pierce through and leave something behind — something foreign to your true self.

Shame embeds itself so deeply that it can start to feel like it’s just “who we are.” But it isn’t. Shame is what remains after we’ve absorbed someone else’s pain, judgment, or fear. It’s the residue of disconnection — not a reflection of our worth.

The work of healing shame isn’t about getting rid of who you are. It’s about gently identifying what doesn’t belong. It’s the process of finding the shrapnel — the places where external messages have embedded themselves — and slowly, compassionately removing them.

When we begin to see shame as something foreign, something that was never ours to carry, we can start to reconnect with the parts of us that were buried underneath it. We can reclaim our voice, our confidence, and our self-compassion.

Because underneath the shrapnel, you are whole. You always have been.